I’ve decided not to abandon this blog and just sort of redesign my use of it. I’ve been stuck in a creative roadblock for quite some time now and as such, I didn’t really have any desire to keep up with this project nor did I have an iota of motivation to do so. I’ve had friends and family these past few months and years that I’ve decided were not such nice people and I no longer wished to associate with them so I cut them from my life. I’ve been dealing with crippling panic attacks and anxiety that hit me out of nowhere. I’ve been trying to get a diagnosis for health issues that have been plaguing me for a while now. All these things and more on top of every day stressors just really had me consumed and really put a stopper on all of my creative juices. I’ve had to make some major lifestyle changes like becoming vegetarian and exercising daily so that I feel better mentally and become a better version of myself physically. I have not taken care of myself in ages. In fact, I can’t even recall the last time I exercised because I was afraid of dying prematurely nor have I ever so dramatically changed my dietary habits for fear of health issues. I’m afraid these things are all because of stress and not paying more attention to myself both mentally and physically. I’m hoping to be able to repair some of the damage I’ve done to myself throughout the years. I know results won’t be overnight and I know not to set unrealistic expectations of myself. I’m also done looking for excuses so that I don’t keep up with new healthy habits. When I fall off the wagon it takes a long time for me to get back on and it needs to stop. I’m learning the key to success is moderation. As such, I’m trying to fit moderation into every aspect of my life: exercise daily (30 minutes or more), eat in moderation (reduce, carbs, sodium, sugar), play video games less, read more, and go outside more. They probably seem like such small things to most people reading this but they actually make a huge impact on me and I normally just stay in my home and play video games for hours on end and eat unhealthy food so these changes are huge. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m still going to play video games but I’m not going to prioritize it over everything else. I use video games as an outlet for my anxiety. It helps me focus on games instead of toxic shit that runs through my mind. However, when I play games too much sometimes I kind of become immune to the effect they have on me and things start to get worse. I had to turn to the changes I’ve made and I’m noticing a positive change. So, after all that TLDR; what I’m trying to say is, I’m gonna focus this blog on mostly gaming and books. I will still do my book reviews on here and start reading more since I stopped a while back. I’m gonna share game screenshots and other game related stuff so that’s what this has become. I may even share photos of my cats too because cats are the best and anyone who says otherwise knows nothing. Anyways, welcome to the new evolution of my self titled blog. Enjoy or au revoir!
So, my paid hosting runs out soon on this blog. I probably won’t be renewing it for obvious reasons. I hardly blog anymore. My inspiration and motivation have run a bit dry lately and until it picks up again, I probably won’t have relatively consistent blog entries. (Not that I ever did any way) Perhaps this blog will cease to exist, who knows. It’s not like anyone ever reads it anyways. I’m really not entirely sure what I want to do anymore.
So much has been going on since I last blogged. I’ve been dealing with some horrible panic attacks that aren’t triggered by anything in particular, as a result my anxiety has been astronomical. I keep having these feelings like the panic attack is going to happen again and when the feelings start to creep up I feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack or die. One attack was so bad that I had to actually go to the hospital and have them do my blood work and check my heart because I thought I was dying. I could feel my soul yo-yo’ing in and out of my physical body. It was extremely terrifying. Since these attacks started I decided to completely cut caffeine from my diet and exercise more often. I also started to focus on controlling my blood pressure so I’ve tried to limit my Overwatch time to only playing with friends. When I play solo it triggers my anxiety and I can feel my blood pressure rise, my tremors kick in and I can occasionally feel my heart flutter or beat rapidly. I don’t seem to have those issues when playing with friends so I’m gonna only play that way from now on. Since I’ve decreased my Overwatch playtime I’ve decided to delve back into Elder Scrolls Online and I’ve found it very therapeutic. It doesn’t trigger my anxiety so I’m putting more time into that game. I used to play it on PS4 but find it far more enjoyable on PC. The community is very helpful and friendly and most people seem really laid back, which is a nice change from the community horrors I was experiencing on WoW. I’ll probably jump back into WoW in the future but decided I needed a long break from that game since every time I’d log in, I’d see toxicity left and right. I don’t need that kind of shit in my life so I didn’t hesitate to step back and take an indefinite break from it. Playing ESO again has reminded me just how much I love Khajiits. I started off playing a few different races and classes and wasn’t satisfied until I made my Khajiit Necromancer Healer Vampire. (That’s quite the character description.) For whatever reason, my survivability increases ten fold when I play healers, which is kind of odd to me. You think I would be able to stave off mobs, bosses, etc as a DPS but I just haven’t found a build that is sustainable for my liking yet. I’ve started on a Khajiit Warden werewolf build but haven’t really played around too much with it yet so we will see how that goes.
Aside from all the gaming I’ve been doing, we now have an awesome home gym set up. We acquired a Marcy home weight gym, an elliptical, and a spin cycle. The spin cycle is a beast! lol It’s gonna take a lot of stamina training to be able to go for a long period of time on that machine but I hope to eventually be able to use it for thirty minutes straight. The elliptical is a favorite and gets used the most, but I’m definitely getting into the weight set even though I’m super sore for days after using it. It’s nice to be able to work out without having to go out into public especially with this pandemic and my fear of public places. It’s really something I don’t think my family would ever be able to do unless it was incorporated into our home. Now even my special needs little one likes working out on the elliptical. It’s really quite adorable.
Lastly, I’ve been trying to catch up on some reading and maintain my garden. My reading goal will probably not be achieved this year but that’s okay because I raised it once I hit my initial goal earlier this year. I think tripled my goal in hopes that I could achieve that for the year but realistically, it doesn’t look like that’s gonna happen now. I’m having a hard time getting through some of the books and comics that have darker themes in them, especially if there is violence, rape, or severely traumatic events that can possibly trigger me. I think with my emotional state becoming so volatile I need to be more careful with what I’m watching and reading. For instance, I couldn’t even finish reading the Watchmen comics I have because the violence was getting to be too much for me, which is something that I never even would have batted an eye at before. I guess I have to look for more uplifting or fantastical things to read. Also, my garden has been hit real hard by the scorching heat this summer. As a result, we lost a few plants and I’m saddened by it. Our almond tree was literally cooked alive and is completely dead now. We tried reviving it but it was hopeless. Our Japanese cucumbers and raspberries were devoured by, what I’m assuming was gnats, AND our blueberry bush gave up all hope and died as well. I’m doing my best to keep the remainder of my plants (Orange dwarf tree, lemon tree, goldenfinger banana tree, green grapes, red grapes, tomatoes, pear tree, donut peach tree, pink lady apple tree, flowers) and trees alive as I rid my entire yard of old mulch and rocks so we can put beach sand in.
Stay safe everyone – Wash your hands – Social Distance – Wear a Mask! ❤
It’s been a hot minute since I’ve had the opportunity to sit down and blog. My home is still under renovation from the leak we had but it’s getting closer to completion. My home will look entirely different once complete. I like that though. I like the ability to start things over with a clean slate. Our home seemed unfriendly and too dark before. We had black hardwood floors and black furniture in every room. I’ve decided to cover the entire house with white carrara marble. Every floor is shiny and bright and the tile goes up a third of the bathroom walls, giving it a super fancy look. Once it’s all completed I’ll be sure to post before and after photos. We decided to remove the pre-fab tub and shower in our master bathroom and had someone build a custom two person shower with four shower heads. It came out really well and I’m excited to share the results with everyone. During this whole floor renovation, I’ve been working my booty off in my garden. I’m replacing all the wood mulch with synthetic turf so I’ve been shoveling mulch into our garden waste bin every week in an effort to get rid of it all. I’ve also added some new additions to the garden including some Japanese cucumbers and Goldenfinger bananas. A few trees gave us a harvest of donut peaches and plums and we were also able to enjoy our first harvest of tomatoes. I’m excited to keep adding more yummy fruits and veggies in our backyard. After the floors and bathrooms are completed my next big project is my kitchen cabinets, which I plan on refacing myself. We purchased all new kitchen appliances and a washer/dryer combo and our cabinets and counters look super outdated and icky. I want to fix all the woodwork on my own and get nice new counter tops and a backsplash put in. Owning a home is a never ending project, but I love being able to customize everything so much!