So much has been going on since I last blogged. I’ve been dealing with some horrible panic attacks that aren’t triggered by anything in particular, as a result my anxiety has been astronomical. I keep having these feelings like the panic attack is going to happen again and when the feelings start to creep up I feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack or die. One attack was so bad that I had to actually go to the hospital and have them do my blood work and check my heart because I thought I was dying. I could feel my soul yo-yo’ing in and out of my physical body. It was extremely terrifying. Since these attacks started I decided to completely cut caffeine from my diet and exercise more often. I also started to focus on controlling my blood pressure so I’ve tried to limit my Overwatch time to only playing with friends. When I play solo it triggers my anxiety and I can feel my blood pressure rise, my tremors kick in and I can occasionally feel my heart flutter or beat rapidly. I don’t seem to have those issues when playing with friends so I’m gonna only play that way from now on. Since I’ve decreased my Overwatch playtime I’ve decided to delve back into Elder Scrolls Online and I’ve found it very therapeutic. It doesn’t trigger my anxiety so I’m putting more time into that game. I used to play it on PS4 but find it far more enjoyable on PC. The community is very helpful and friendly and most people seem really laid back, which is a nice change from the community horrors I was experiencing on WoW. I’ll probably jump back into WoW in the future but decided I needed a long break from that game since every time I’d log in, I’d see toxicity left and right. I don’t need that kind of shit in my life so I didn’t hesitate to step back and take an indefinite break from it. Playing ESO again has reminded me just how much I love Khajiits. I started off playing a few different races and classes and wasn’t satisfied until I made my Khajiit Necromancer Healer Vampire. (That’s quite the character description.) For whatever reason, my survivability increases ten fold when I play healers, which is kind of odd to me. You think I would be able to stave off mobs, bosses, etc as a DPS but I just haven’t found a build that is sustainable for my liking yet. I’ve started on a Khajiit Warden werewolf build but haven’t really played around too much with it yet so we will see how that goes.
Aside from all the gaming I’ve been doing, we now have an awesome home gym set up. We acquired a Marcy home weight gym, an elliptical, and a spin cycle. The spin cycle is a beast! lol It’s gonna take a lot of stamina training to be able to go for a long period of time on that machine but I hope to eventually be able to use it for thirty minutes straight. The elliptical is a favorite and gets used the most, but I’m definitely getting into the weight set even though I’m super sore for days after using it. It’s nice to be able to work out without having to go out into public especially with this pandemic and my fear of public places. It’s really something I don’t think my family would ever be able to do unless it was incorporated into our home. Now even my special needs little one likes working out on the elliptical. It’s really quite adorable.
Lastly, I’ve been trying to catch up on some reading and maintain my garden. My reading goal will probably not be achieved this year but that’s okay because I raised it once I hit my initial goal earlier this year. I think tripled my goal in hopes that I could achieve that for the year but realistically, it doesn’t look like that’s gonna happen now. I’m having a hard time getting through some of the books and comics that have darker themes in them, especially if there is violence, rape, or severely traumatic events that can possibly trigger me. I think with my emotional state becoming so volatile I need to be more careful with what I’m watching and reading. For instance, I couldn’t even finish reading the Watchmen comics I have because the violence was getting to be too much for me, which is something that I never even would have batted an eye at before. I guess I have to look for more uplifting or fantastical things to read. Also, my garden has been hit real hard by the scorching heat this summer. As a result, we lost a few plants and I’m saddened by it. Our almond tree was literally cooked alive and is completely dead now. We tried reviving it but it was hopeless. Our Japanese cucumbers and raspberries were devoured by, what I’m assuming was gnats, AND our blueberry bush gave up all hope and died as well. I’m doing my best to keep the remainder of my plants (Orange dwarf tree, lemon tree, goldenfinger banana tree, green grapes, red grapes, tomatoes, pear tree, donut peach tree, pink lady apple tree, flowers) and trees alive as I rid my entire yard of old mulch and rocks so we can put beach sand in.
Stay safe everyone – Wash your hands – Social Distance – Wear a Mask! ❤