Panic

All the hysteria behind this pandemic is spiking my anxiety through the roof. I’ve already been agoraphobic many times in my life and prefer to stay at home like a hermit but this is really exacerbating my paranoia. I try not to watch the news because my anxiety is easily triggered. Well, I’ve been watching way too much news lately. I feel like I’m living in the beginning of the collapse of civilization as we know it and I’m well aware of how crazy that sounds but my mind is telling me it’s completely rational for me to think this way even if I know the core of me is probably overreacting. I don’t trust my fellow humans. Their tendencies to become violent at the drop of a hat terrify me. I don’t like forcing myself out into public to have a panic or anxiety attack just to get the basic necessities of life. I’ve tried ordering my groceries through apps and online and everyone is out of everything. It’s truly making me uneasy. The schools are all closed and people in my county have the virus and some have died. I’ve been trying to focus on gardening, finishing up some projects around the house, reading and video games in order not to dwell on the impact this is having on our society because I don’t like to worry over things out of my control. I’m one of those individuals who doesn’t like being in situations they have no control over, like surgeries, dental visits..etc.

The photo included in this entry is actually of my backyard at night. My backyard has been kind of a sanctuary for my family and myself lately. With the limited ability to go out the backyard has been our only refuge. I find solace in watching the bees working, lizards sun bathing, hummingbirds drinking nectar from the blossoms, and just talking to my plants to help them grow. Our trees and plants typically do exceptionally well especially considering some of them we purchased on clearance because they were nearly dead. We grow a lot of our own produce and that gives me some slight comfort in times like these. We have almonds, peaches, plums, apples, pears, lemons, oranges, blueberries, raspberries, tomatoes, red grapes, green grapes, and lettuce. I’m hoping to build a raised garden bed and start growing vegetables as well and I’m also considering getting a couple of backyard hens. I don’t like feeling completely helpless and if I can remedy that feeling even just a bit, I will feel slightly better. My family’s goal is to be as self sufficient as possible within reason. We live in a suburban setting with a modest property so we are doing what we can with what little money we have available. Hopefully we can get solar panels, a composter, and a water retention barrel too. I’m also going to learn to bake my own bread. Despite this pandemic making such a negative impact on the majority of people’s lives right now, I am trying to use this as a lesson. I am also trying to see things from a more positive light so I don’t freak myself out. If I can make sure my family is comfortable, happy, and safe I will be content and will have achieved my goal. Stay safe and healthy everyone and please stay home.

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