A Wee Bit O Change

I’ve decided not to abandon this blog and just sort of redesign my use of it. I’ve been stuck in a creative roadblock for quite some time now and as such, I didn’t really have any desire to keep up with this project nor did I have an iota of motivation to do so. I’ve had friends and family these past few months and years that I’ve decided were not such nice people and I no longer wished to associate with them so I cut them from my life. I’ve been dealing with crippling panic attacks and anxiety that hit me out of nowhere. I’ve been trying to get a diagnosis for health issues that have been plaguing me for a while now. All these things and more on top of every day stressors just really had me consumed and really put a stopper on all of my creative juices. I’ve had to make some major lifestyle changes like becoming vegetarian and exercising daily so that I feel better mentally and become a better version of myself physically. I have not taken care of myself in ages. In fact, I can’t even recall the last time I exercised because I was afraid of dying prematurely nor have I ever so dramatically changed my dietary habits for fear of health issues. I’m afraid these things are all because of stress and not paying more attention to myself both mentally and physically. I’m hoping to be able to repair some of the damage I’ve done to myself throughout the years. I know results won’t be overnight and I know not to set unrealistic expectations of myself. I’m also done looking for excuses so that I don’t keep up with new healthy habits. When I fall off the wagon it takes a long time for me to get back on and it needs to stop. I’m learning the key to success is moderation. As such, I’m trying to fit moderation into every aspect of my life: exercise daily (30 minutes or more), eat in moderation (reduce, carbs, sodium, sugar), play video games less, read more, and go outside more. They probably seem like such small things to most people reading this but they actually make a huge impact on me and I normally just stay in my home and play video games for hours on end and eat unhealthy food so these changes are huge. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m still going to play video games but I’m not going to prioritize it over everything else. I use video games as an outlet for my anxiety. It helps me focus on games instead of toxic shit that runs through my mind. However, when I play games too much sometimes I kind of become immune to the effect they have on me and things start to get worse. I had to turn to the changes I’ve made and I’m noticing a positive change. So, after all that TLDR; what I’m trying to say is, I’m gonna focus this blog on mostly gaming and books. I will still do my book reviews on here and start reading more since I stopped a while back. I’m gonna share game screenshots and other game related stuff so that’s what this has become. I may even share photos of my cats too because cats are the best and anyone who says otherwise knows nothing. Anyways, welcome to the new evolution of my self titled blog. Enjoy or au revoir!

What a Chore

So, my paid hosting runs out soon on this blog. I probably won’t be renewing it for obvious reasons. I hardly blog anymore. My inspiration and motivation have run a bit dry lately and until it picks up again, I probably won’t have relatively consistent blog entries. (Not that I ever did any way) Perhaps this blog will cease to exist, who knows. It’s not like anyone ever reads it anyways. I’m really not entirely sure what I want to do anymore.

Buzz Buzz

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It seems like a lifetime since I’ve last written a blog entry. Settling back into domestic habits and a habitual routine has kind of made me lose track of this blog, but alas, I have no intentions of abandoning this outlet of creativity. On the contrary I plan on using it more frequently. Keeping my mind busy with art, video games, books, and writing is something I need to keep doing so I don’t fall back into the crippling void of depression that seems to enjoy following me around like a nefarious black cloud, over my head. I’ve been up to quite a few projects as of lately. I started my own childhood education/entertainment channel on YouTube. So far, I only have two videos uploaded at the moment but am eagerly anticipating making fresh new content. I find video editing super fun and I figure why not make fun, colorful kids videos (sometimes with the inclusion of my littlest one). I’ve also started getting back into painting and crafting. I am enjoying doing elemental art and as such I’ve decided to start up a gallery of my new creations. I plan on making some art related videos to accompany my projects in the future. Expressing myself in different forms of media is really helping me stay on track with my mental health. When not creating I’ve been losing myself in books or video games..both of which also play  vital roles in helping me maintain my sanity. I’ve set myself a goal of ten books to read in 2020 and think I can easily pull that off as long as I maintain motivation. I’m sort of branching out of my usual literary choices and trying new genres, which I’m finding that I enjoy. Anyways, it’s good to be back and I hope to start being more active in the blogging community and both following and making awesome new blogs/blogger friends!

Epiphany

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This past month has helped me realize a lot of things. The monumental mistakes I’ve made this year and what I’ve learned as a result are helping me to strive to become a better me. I am by no means perfect and I know it is impossible to be so. I have realized this about myself as well as others. Sometimes my expectations of myself and those around me were held to an unrealistically high standard. Sometimes, I can come off as cold, callous, aloof, and pompous. I am trying to soften some of these negative aspects of my personality. I know that being an INTJ and also suffering from multiple mental health issues doesn’t exactly help me in expressing my emotions, particularly the positive ones. However, the life I’ve lived from March of this year up until September first of this year is shaping me more than anything has in a long time. There were two months of my life (July-August) where I was self destructive and thought about ending it all every day – every day. I had reached a point in my life where I had done horrible things; things I thought I would never do and things that are very out of character for me. I don’t want to be that version of me. I don’t even like to think about that version of me. It disgusts me and I resent myself for all the horrible things I put my husband, family, and myself through. I was always told I was a strong person, but even the strongest people get weak sometimes. All I can do is learn from the mistakes I’ve made in the past and evolve. I will not let myself ever get to a point like that ever again. I am stronger than that. I am better than that. I will prove this to not only myself but everyone I have disappointed. I will come out of this self-made destruction a better person.