It seems like a lifetime since I’ve last written a blog entry. Settling back into domestic habits and a habitual routine has kind of made me lose track of this blog, but alas, I have no intentions of abandoning this outlet of creativity. On the contrary I plan on using it more frequently. Keeping my mind busy with art, video games, books, and writing is something I need to keep doing so I don’t fall back into the crippling void of depression that seems to enjoy following me around like a nefarious black cloud, over my head. I’ve been up to quite a few projects as of lately. I started my own childhood education/entertainment channel on YouTube. So far, I only have two videos uploaded at the moment but am eagerly anticipating making fresh new content. I find video editing super fun and I figure why not make fun, colorful kids videos (sometimes with the inclusion of my littlest one). I’ve also started getting back into painting and crafting. I am enjoying doing elemental art and as such I’ve decided to start up a gallery of my new creations. I plan on making some art related videos to accompany my projects in the future. Expressing myself in different forms of media is really helping me stay on track with my mental health. When not creating I’ve been losing myself in books or video games..both of which also play vital roles in helping me maintain my sanity. I’ve set myself a goal of ten books to read in 2020 and think I can easily pull that off as long as I maintain motivation. I’m sort of branching out of my usual literary choices and trying new genres, which I’m finding that I enjoy. Anyways, it’s good to be back and I hope to start being more active in the blogging community and both following and making awesome new blogs/blogger friends!
This past month has helped me realize a lot of things. The monumental mistakes I’ve made this year and what I’ve learned as a result are helping me to strive to become a better me. I am by no means perfect and I know it is impossible to be so. I have realized this about myself as well as others. Sometimes my expectations of myself and those around me were held to an unrealistically high standard. Sometimes, I can come off as cold, callous, aloof, and pompous. I am trying to soften some of these negative aspects of my personality. I know that being an INTJ and also suffering from multiple mental health issues doesn’t exactly help me in expressing my emotions, particularly the positive ones. However, the life I’ve lived from March of this year up until September first of this year is shaping me more than anything has in a long time. There were two months of my life (July-August) where I was self destructive and thought about ending it all every day – every day. I had reached a point in my life where I had done horrible things; things I thought I would never do and things that are very out of character for me. I don’t want to be that version of me. I don’t even like to think about that version of me. It disgusts me and I resent myself for all the horrible things I put my husband, family, and myself through. I was always told I was a strong person, but even the strongest people get weak sometimes. All I can do is learn from the mistakes I’ve made in the past and evolve. I will not let myself ever get to a point like that ever again. I am stronger than that. I am better than that. I will prove this to not only myself but everyone I have disappointed. I will come out of this self-made destruction a better person.