So much has been going on since I last blogged. I’ve been dealing with some horrible panic attacks that aren’t triggered by anything in particular, as a result my anxiety has been astronomical. I keep having these feelings like the panic attack is going to happen again and when the feelings start to creep up I feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack or die. One attack was so bad that I had to actually go to the hospital and have them do my blood work and check my heart because I thought I was dying. I could feel my soul yo-yo’ing in and out of my physical body. It was extremely terrifying. Since these attacks started I decided to completely cut caffeine from my diet and exercise more often. I also started to focus on controlling my blood pressure so I’ve tried to limit my Overwatch time to only playing with friends. When I play solo it triggers my anxiety and I can feel my blood pressure rise, my tremors kick in and I can occasionally feel my heart flutter or beat rapidly. I don’t seem to have those issues when playing with friends so I’m gonna only play that way from now on. Since I’ve decreased my Overwatch playtime I’ve decided to delve back into Elder Scrolls Online and I’ve found it very therapeutic. It doesn’t trigger my anxiety so I’m putting more time into that game. I used to play it on PS4 but find it far more enjoyable on PC. The community is very helpful and friendly and most people seem really laid back, which is a nice change from the community horrors I was experiencing on WoW. I’ll probably jump back into WoW in the future but decided I needed a long break from that game since every time I’d log in, I’d see toxicity left and right. I don’t need that kind of shit in my life so I didn’t hesitate to step back and take an indefinite break from it. Playing ESO again has reminded me just how much I love Khajiits. I started off playing a few different races and classes and wasn’t satisfied until I made my Khajiit Necromancer Healer Vampire. (That’s quite the character description.) For whatever reason, my survivability increases ten fold when I play healers, which is kind of odd to me. You think I would be able to stave off mobs, bosses, etc as a DPS but I just haven’t found a build that is sustainable for my liking yet. I’ve started on a Khajiit Warden werewolf build but haven’t really played around too much with it yet so we will see how that goes.
Aside from all the gaming I’ve been doing, we now have an awesome home gym set up. We acquired a Marcy home weight gym, an elliptical, and a spin cycle. The spin cycle is a beast! lol It’s gonna take a lot of stamina training to be able to go for a long period of time on that machine but I hope to eventually be able to use it for thirty minutes straight. The elliptical is a favorite and gets used the most, but I’m definitely getting into the weight set even though I’m super sore for days after using it. It’s nice to be able to work out without having to go out into public especially with this pandemic and my fear of public places. It’s really something I don’t think my family would ever be able to do unless it was incorporated into our home. Now even my special needs little one likes working out on the elliptical. It’s really quite adorable.
Lastly, I’ve been trying to catch up on some reading and maintain my garden. My reading goal will probably not be achieved this year but that’s okay because I raised it once I hit my initial goal earlier this year. I think tripled my goal in hopes that I could achieve that for the year but realistically, it doesn’t look like that’s gonna happen now. I’m having a hard time getting through some of the books and comics that have darker themes in them, especially if there is violence, rape, or severely traumatic events that can possibly trigger me. I think with my emotional state becoming so volatile I need to be more careful with what I’m watching and reading. For instance, I couldn’t even finish reading the Watchmen comics I have because the violence was getting to be too much for me, which is something that I never even would have batted an eye at before. I guess I have to look for more uplifting or fantastical things to read. Also, my garden has been hit real hard by the scorching heat this summer. As a result, we lost a few plants and I’m saddened by it. Our almond tree was literally cooked alive and is completely dead now. We tried reviving it but it was hopeless. Our Japanese cucumbers and raspberries were devoured by, what I’m assuming was gnats, AND our blueberry bush gave up all hope and died as well. I’m doing my best to keep the remainder of my plants (Orange dwarf tree, lemon tree, goldenfinger banana tree, green grapes, red grapes, tomatoes, pear tree, donut peach tree, pink lady apple tree, flowers) and trees alive as I rid my entire yard of old mulch and rocks so we can put beach sand in.
Stay safe everyone – Wash your hands – Social Distance – Wear a Mask! ❤
It’s been a hot minute since I’ve had the opportunity to sit down and blog. My home is still under renovation from the leak we had but it’s getting closer to completion. My home will look entirely different once complete. I like that though. I like the ability to start things over with a clean slate. Our home seemed unfriendly and too dark before. We had black hardwood floors and black furniture in every room. I’ve decided to cover the entire house with white carrara marble. Every floor is shiny and bright and the tile goes up a third of the bathroom walls, giving it a super fancy look. Once it’s all completed I’ll be sure to post before and after photos. We decided to remove the pre-fab tub and shower in our master bathroom and had someone build a custom two person shower with four shower heads. It came out really well and I’m excited to share the results with everyone. During this whole floor renovation, I’ve been working my booty off in my garden. I’m replacing all the wood mulch with synthetic turf so I’ve been shoveling mulch into our garden waste bin every week in an effort to get rid of it all. I’ve also added some new additions to the garden including some Japanese cucumbers and Goldenfinger bananas. A few trees gave us a harvest of donut peaches and plums and we were also able to enjoy our first harvest of tomatoes. I’m excited to keep adding more yummy fruits and veggies in our backyard. After the floors and bathrooms are completed my next big project is my kitchen cabinets, which I plan on refacing myself. We purchased all new kitchen appliances and a washer/dryer combo and our cabinets and counters look super outdated and icky. I want to fix all the woodwork on my own and get nice new counter tops and a backsplash put in. Owning a home is a never ending project, but I love being able to customize everything so much!
All the hysteria behind this pandemic is spiking my anxiety through the roof. I’ve already been agoraphobic many times in my life and prefer to stay at home like a hermit but this is really exacerbating my paranoia. I try not to watch the news because my anxiety is easily triggered. Well, I’ve been watching way too much news lately. I feel like I’m living in the beginning of the collapse of civilization as we know it and I’m well aware of how crazy that sounds but my mind is telling me it’s completely rational for me to think this way even if I know the core of me is probably overreacting. I don’t trust my fellow humans. Their tendencies to become violent at the drop of a hat terrify me. I don’t like forcing myself out into public to have a panic or anxiety attack just to get the basic necessities of life. I’ve tried ordering my groceries through apps and online and everyone is out of everything. It’s truly making me uneasy. The schools are all closed and people in my county have the virus and some have died. I’ve been trying to focus on gardening, finishing up some projects around the house, reading and video games in order not to dwell on the impact this is having on our society because I don’t like to worry over things out of my control. I’m one of those individuals who doesn’t like being in situations they have no control over, like surgeries, dental visits..etc.
The photo included in this entry is actually of my backyard at night. My backyard has been kind of a sanctuary for my family and myself lately. With the limited ability to go out the backyard has been our only refuge. I find solace in watching the bees working, lizards sun bathing, hummingbirds drinking nectar from the blossoms, and just talking to my plants to help them grow. Our trees and plants typically do exceptionally well especially considering some of them we purchased on clearance because they were nearly dead. We grow a lot of our own produce and that gives me some slight comfort in times like these. We have almonds, peaches, plums, apples, pears, lemons, oranges, blueberries, raspberries, tomatoes, red grapes, green grapes, and lettuce. I’m hoping to build a raised garden bed and start growing vegetables as well and I’m also considering getting a couple of backyard hens. I don’t like feeling completely helpless and if I can remedy that feeling even just a bit, I will feel slightly better. My family’s goal is to be as self sufficient as possible within reason. We live in a suburban setting with a modest property so we are doing what we can with what little money we have available. Hopefully we can get solar panels, a composter, and a water retention barrel too. I’m also going to learn to bake my own bread. Despite this pandemic making such a negative impact on the majority of people’s lives right now, I am trying to use this as a lesson. I am also trying to see things from a more positive light so I don’t freak myself out. If I can make sure my family is comfortable, happy, and safe I will be content and will have achieved my goal. Stay safe and healthy everyone and please stay home.